my phone needs a breathalizer
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
