He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
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I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
he's gonorrhea incarnate
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She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The air taste purple.
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