Pregnant stripper...not hot.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
