My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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