The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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