Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
