We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
