Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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