fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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