I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
