I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
