My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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