my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
