The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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