If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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