Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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