God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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