god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?