I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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