dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
