I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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