dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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