you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
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I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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