Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
