The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
