Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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