im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
