exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
