Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
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I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
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Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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