There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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