Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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