My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
