a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
