I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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