That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
