New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
