Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
