I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
