Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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