haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
