just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
