I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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