Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
