We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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