y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
