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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
