Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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