I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
