so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
