I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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