Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I cannot find my penis.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
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I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
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I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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