The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
