No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
