Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
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His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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