I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
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He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just forgot I was standing up.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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