awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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