i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
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I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy