i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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