someone threw a dead crab at me
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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