Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
