So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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