I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
