we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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